Falling to pieces

[norcumi]

I should really friends lock this or something - for that matter, there's no reason I should post it at all, but fuck it, I'm dealing with social fucking anxiety, maybe by being open that'll help. That's a theory, anyways. Feel free to ignore crazy ranty post.

Froze up today. Just - it wasn't quite a panic attack, and I KNOW some of it's related to the fact that I'm (as always) exhausted, and a lot is tied to the fact that I've got Shit To Do this weekend and it's about as tightly scheduled as my life gets anymore and the fact that THIS, of all things, is making me wig out -

it makes me feel like i'm not really a person any more. I'm just faking it, better for myself and everyone if I just rid the world of my presence/existence and wow when I start hearing THAT lovely little thread coming back I at least know it's Teh Krazy kicking in. I'm doing BETTER, dammit!

Was, anyway. And wheee, back down the fucking rabbit hole we go!

Ok, get a grip. Writing this out is supposed to help, NOT give Teh Krazy a better hold.

Depression, not surprisingly, is still kicking my ass. Don't have the job skills to get a decent job, haven't done anything other than food service and not even that for a year, getting skills would help to get a job but that requires training, and a regular schedule, and mmm, mmm, wouldn't that be a fun bundle of pressure. Last time I tried doing something regular I ended up working food service on an average of fours hours of sleep a day. Just the thought of trying to do that again, or rather courting the possibility, almost has me shaking.

I need to get a handle on this. I should get something, anything, food service even just to get out of the house and start getting in contact with the rest of the world again. WoW isn't cutting it anymore. I play for contact with people, but no one is really there, so have to do something other than just repetitive escapist grinding.

Ok. Ok. Make it through the weekend without falling apart. Deal with the State Farm people, since that needs doing Very Quickly. Start e-mail the folks you want/need to. Figure out what the hell to do with your life.

Not too hard, right?

no, I am NOT letting that thought drive me to metaphorically hiding under the couch, dammit.

Um, comments not needed or anything, I just need to vent. Sorry for the weirdness.

Comments

[dogmatix-san.livejournal.com]

*huuuuuuuuuuuuuugs* Dude, you're one up on me, I haven't even held an official job. ORZ

If you need contact, not that I probably count as 'normal human', but my cel is 214-923-0316 if you want to talk. I'm sometimes on MSN, but not terribly reliably.

You can do this. *hugs*

[norcumi.livejournal.com]

Normal humans are boring anyways. ;) Thank you muchly; I do appreciate it.

And I really hope I can. ::crosses fingers::

[lynati-1.livejournal.com]

*more internet hugs*

I'm in a slightly similar boat. I've been *meaning* to move on it by applying for this theatre internship for about two weeks now (technically a year and a half, but I've only recently again began to seriously contemplate it) and I find I keep...veering away from even the thought of actually doing it, of putting together the paperwork for it. Because the second I start thinking about it, my brain jumps right to, "BUT I HAVEN"T DONE THIS BEFORE AND THEY ARE GOING TO TURN ME DOWN AND THEN THE WORLD WILL END, AUUGHH!!!" which, as you well know, is not fun at all.

So...you're not alone in this kind of circumstance, and are not...trailing behind the rest of the pack nearly as badly as you think. (Which I have to remind myself of weekly.) I feel like I'm sitting on that metaphorical couch with my fingers digging into the cushions.

If I ever find a solution to this, you'll be the first to know. (But then I'm bottling it and selling it for money.)

Maybe we can work on this when I come to visit, if you haven't moved on it by then. Some things are easier to accomplish if you've got a friend to lend a hand or two in pulling it all together.

[norcumi.livejournal.com]

::pats and shares some cookies:: You can do it - you're pretty damn awesome at whatever you turn your hand to.

Honestly? If it's not too weird, what I want to kidnap you for is a trip to Victoria's Secret or something so I can have moral support while I get sized for the first time in my life and even right now I'm sinking into the cushions in embarrassment oh look a link to what convinced me i need to finally do this.

Also, you seem to know what the hell you're doing with girly stuff, and - yeah. If it's not incredibly weird, I'll even toss in a trip to the crepe place as bribery. :)

[lynati-1.livejournal.com]

It's not weird at all. And the employees at Victoria's Secret tend to be nice and uphased by people coming in and asking for a sizing. (Which takes all of 30 seconds to actually get measured for.) The first time I did serious bra shopping- which I think was junior year of high school- I went with my friend Marissa *and* her mother, and we were all in one of the larger changing stalls together so we could throw opinions back and forth. Which I needed because I didn't know how things were supposed to look and fit, etc.

I'm okay at the girly stuff, save for makeup, which I'm still a novice at. I'm fine for trying to help, though I live in fear of giving bad advice. (And of accidentally driving a large-scale Tonka truck without brakes down a major highway, nudging into a cop car, and being told I'm going to be fined $300,000 dollars. Gee thanks, dream.)

And thank *you* for the moral support for the great career hunt. It's so damn intimidating. x_x

- Lynati

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

*passes hot chocolate*

[norcumi.livejournal.com]

Many, many thanks, ma'am!

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I know I am a complete stranger and such, but I remember the panic attacks and random anxiety that used to dominate my life when I was just out of college. It was not fun, and I really sympathize. :/

[norcumi.livejournal.com]

You're not a complete stranger, and it really is appreciated. No worries. :)

[brooklynx.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I wish you best of luck on the job front. Just be glad you're not here in California -- it happens to be quite a mess out here.

If you ever want to chat, I'm usually active on AIM or MSN after 4 or 5 pm Pacific (I rarely know what time I get off of work). Or on my cell at 916-296-4174.

At some point in the future, if possible and fine with you guys, make a trip out in your direction for a weekend. It wouldn't be until some time after Otakon (last weekend of July). The whole money thing.

[norcumi.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the delay; it was a long weekend.

Thanks for the note; I will keep that in mind!

And as for a visit: to be honest, I'm lucky if I can keep up with things as it is. At the moment, I'm only able to look about a month ahead of wherever I am, so I couldn't tell you one way or another if a trip works this far in advance. Sorry. :( Try again later/closer to when you're thinking of going for it, if that works for you?

[brooklynx.livejournal.com]

Oh, I wasn't too worried about when and if you would get back to me.

*nods* That's understandable. Heck, I'm lucky if I can keep up with things from one week to the next. Anyways, I'll keep that in mind even though I won't have a clue for quite a few months myself.