Falling to pieces
Feb. 23rd, 2011 06:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
norcumiI should really friends lock this or something - for that matter, there's no reason I should post it at all, but fuck it, I'm dealing with social fucking anxiety, maybe by being open that'll help. That's a theory, anyways. Feel free to ignore crazy ranty post.
Froze up today. Just - it wasn't quite a panic attack, and I KNOW some of it's related to the fact that I'm (as always) exhausted, and a lot is tied to the fact that I've got Shit To Do this weekend and it's about as tightly scheduled as my life gets anymore and the fact that THIS, of all things, is making me wig out -
it makes me feel like i'm not really a person any more. I'm just faking it, better for myself and everyone if I just rid the world of my presence/existence and wow when I start hearing THAT lovely little thread coming back I at least know it's Teh Krazy kicking in. I'm doing BETTER, dammit!
Was, anyway. And wheee, back down the fucking rabbit hole we go!
Ok, get a grip. Writing this out is supposed to help, NOT give Teh Krazy a better hold.
Depression, not surprisingly, is still kicking my ass. Don't have the job skills to get a decent job, haven't done anything other than food service and not even that for a year, getting skills would help to get a job but that requires training, and a regular schedule, and mmm, mmm, wouldn't that be a fun bundle of pressure. Last time I tried doing something regular I ended up working food service on an average of fours hours of sleep a day. Just the thought of trying to do that again, or rather courting the possibility, almost has me shaking.
I need to get a handle on this. I should get something, anything, food service even just to get out of the house and start getting in contact with the rest of the world again. WoW isn't cutting it anymore. I play for contact with people, but no one is really there, so have to do something other than just repetitive escapist grinding.
Ok. Ok. Make it through the weekend without falling apart. Deal with the State Farm people, since that needs doing Very Quickly. Start e-mail the folks you want/need to. Figure out what the hell to do with your life.
Not too hard, right?
no, I am NOT letting that thought drive me to metaphorically hiding under the couch, dammit.
Um, comments not needed or anything, I just need to vent. Sorry for the weirdness.
Froze up today. Just - it wasn't quite a panic attack, and I KNOW some of it's related to the fact that I'm (as always) exhausted, and a lot is tied to the fact that I've got Shit To Do this weekend and it's about as tightly scheduled as my life gets anymore and the fact that THIS, of all things, is making me wig out -
it makes me feel like i'm not really a person any more. I'm just faking it, better for myself and everyone if I just rid the world of my presence/existence and wow when I start hearing THAT lovely little thread coming back I at least know it's Teh Krazy kicking in. I'm doing BETTER, dammit!
Was, anyway. And wheee, back down the fucking rabbit hole we go!
Ok, get a grip. Writing this out is supposed to help, NOT give Teh Krazy a better hold.
Depression, not surprisingly, is still kicking my ass. Don't have the job skills to get a decent job, haven't done anything other than food service and not even that for a year, getting skills would help to get a job but that requires training, and a regular schedule, and mmm, mmm, wouldn't that be a fun bundle of pressure. Last time I tried doing something regular I ended up working food service on an average of fours hours of sleep a day. Just the thought of trying to do that again, or rather courting the possibility, almost has me shaking.
I need to get a handle on this. I should get something, anything, food service even just to get out of the house and start getting in contact with the rest of the world again. WoW isn't cutting it anymore. I play for contact with people, but no one is really there, so have to do something other than just repetitive escapist grinding.
Ok. Ok. Make it through the weekend without falling apart. Deal with the State Farm people, since that needs doing Very Quickly. Start e-mail the folks you want/need to. Figure out what the hell to do with your life.
Not too hard, right?
no, I am NOT letting that thought drive me to metaphorically hiding under the couch, dammit.
Um, comments not needed or anything, I just need to vent. Sorry for the weirdness.
