Confessional
Jul. 17th, 2006 08:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
norcumiToday's Book: Angry All the Time by Ron T. Potter-Efron. Page 76
I think where I went really wrong was the whole transition of passive to - well, wherever it is I am now. Yeah, there's a mess of issues in the background. I think my parents screwed up; but I think they did the best job they could/knew how/anyways. Too passive, too caught in a box, too.....
stuck.
It's all well and good to say "Ok, so grow up, learn to be assertive, and just get things done." But without the background, without the foundation, it's fishing around until something seems....either to work, or to be "assertive", such as my mind concieves it. Too much passiveness in my background, though. So much that it seems like anything stepping forward, saying "I want" or "I think" or "you should" or "why should I?" - all of it seems horridly forward, excessively rude. I have no good scale of comparison. So of course everything I try tends to be off kilter, too much or too little. Of course it leaves me frustrated and upset, and thus a damn good set of Angry. No sense of control, either inside or out. Lashing out because I'm supposed to be assertive, gods damn it!
Yeah. Twisted much?
I'm going to try to keep doing these. Public, but not something for people to respond to. Maybe. It's.... I'm not there yet. Need a new therapist, need to work on old problems with new faces, and all that jazz. I'm not ready to deal with commentary yet. I do too much introspection with the implicit (mis)understanding that giving something a name will make things better. Nah. It's the - no, A - first step. Naming it does not mean it's dealt with. Hopefully this will remind me.
I dunno. It might well be a good reading recomendation, if nothing else.
And no, I don't care if this made much sense. Sorry.
I think where I went really wrong was the whole transition of passive to - well, wherever it is I am now. Yeah, there's a mess of issues in the background. I think my parents screwed up; but I think they did the best job they could/knew how/anyways. Too passive, too caught in a box, too.....
stuck.
It's all well and good to say "Ok, so grow up, learn to be assertive, and just get things done." But without the background, without the foundation, it's fishing around until something seems....either to work, or to be "assertive", such as my mind concieves it. Too much passiveness in my background, though. So much that it seems like anything stepping forward, saying "I want" or "I think" or "you should" or "why should I?" - all of it seems horridly forward, excessively rude. I have no good scale of comparison. So of course everything I try tends to be off kilter, too much or too little. Of course it leaves me frustrated and upset, and thus a damn good set of Angry. No sense of control, either inside or out. Lashing out because I'm supposed to be assertive, gods damn it!
Yeah. Twisted much?
I'm going to try to keep doing these. Public, but not something for people to respond to. Maybe. It's.... I'm not there yet. Need a new therapist, need to work on old problems with new faces, and all that jazz. I'm not ready to deal with commentary yet. I do too much introspection with the implicit (mis)understanding that giving something a name will make things better. Nah. It's the - no, A - first step. Naming it does not mean it's dealt with. Hopefully this will remind me.
I dunno. It might well be a good reading recomendation, if nothing else.
And no, I don't care if this made much sense. Sorry.
