norcumi | self-loathing

I'm tired. I'm just so damn tired of introspection, of staring within myself, trying to find that elusive Cure. I'm tired of replaying situations inside my head, playing this morbid game of "What if" in which I go through, step by fucking step, thinking Ok, so A worked well, except for flaw B, and approach C failed totally, and add those up, twist it in method D next time to see if that works better or what -

I'm tired of sitting in place and feeling my mind whirling with so many possibilities that I can't tell which way is up, that I can barely keep - or sometimes not even managing to keep track of what's real, what's remembered, and what's hypothesized.

I'm tired of wanting to just break down bawling due to fucking insecurities about events that took place inside my head, permutations of chances not taken or opportunities that are just treated as normal.

I'm tired of thinking I finally get what's going on, only to turn around to find reality slamming me in the face again, and that all this time I've been lying to myself, intentionally or not, and finding that the latter fact doesn't matter a damn in the first place.

I'm tired of walking around, watching over my shoulder for however I may blunder now, even though I'm trying to do the right thing, because I know I've been a selfish, self-centered git WAY too much in the past and I want to avoid that. And yet I want to just say the hells with it, I'm just going to live my life the way I want to, damn the consequences and how it impacts others, and at the same time I know why that's such a fucking bad idea, and leads to me being a prat, but nonetheless why does it feel like anything going wrong in my vicinity is my fault when i know it isn't and yet maybe it's just me taking on the blame without reason and i just find myself thinking the world would be such a better place if i just stepped in front of a bus one of these days after i hopped but, but nobody worry, i couldn't do that to some random poor bus driver and the passengers and it'd have to be away from a school and potential young child presence because -

but i don't WANT to care! WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE???