norcumi: (whine)
[personal profile] norcumi
So, I got me a regular primary care physician after... years of not. Yaye. She has me coming back every few weeks to monitor high blood pressure and the like - I've gone from borderline to "yeah, sorry, you should be on medication for that or please try losing some weight?", which, ok, fine.

She got me an EKG today so that they have a baseline idea of what to expect, and since I'm 95% sure I've had those plenty (I recall once with one of the hospital visits it was days before we found all the little sticky pads stuck around me), whatever.

The nurse comes in, and starts putting sticky pads that leads will attach to on my legs, and I start getting twitchy - and I don't know why. At first I thought it was amusement since Quindar has a volt meter thingy, and all the ridiculous DSL-like cable attachments that are going to go to me reminds me of the last time he was laying out a board, but -

No, that can't be right. This is twitchy, discomfort. Ohkay, so maybe it was a video game or - ah hah! That must be it! A game or movie where it's not sticky pads, it's intrusive needles and blech, what the hell was I watching that -

And then the nice nurse puts a sticky pad just off center on my chest, and tapes it down like she's done with the others, and I almost scream. Catheter catheter aw snap they're changing the dressing it's sore it shouldn't be sore I'm 32 it's years over my chest wasn't sore a few seconds ago ARRRRRRRGH *want to flail*


It's not like I was having visual flashbacks to being 14 and having the dressing changed on the !#$%^& thing, it was the feeling. I managed to restrain myself to a light, and possibly creepy sounding laugh and informing the nurse that ooooh, this really reminded me of having a catheter, sorry. I kept having to glance down and recite to myself in my head that it's just taped on, and look, self, it doesn't even look like a catheter, it's all good, no don't move, it's just taped on.

I need to keep reminding myself that while this was probably not a good baseline (elevated heart rate much?), given evidence here it would never not be elevated (I swear it's the feel of the cable draped down me that makes me cringe so much, just tape wouldn't do it). Of course, the tape on the stickies on my chest slipped, and she had to remove and restick one and I was nearly crawling along the ceiling when she did that. I think I did ok not expressing how weirded out I was, though I did ask her that when they came off for good could I please for the love of god do it? Thankfully she said yes. It really, REALLY helped me to see it, to not just sit there and feel sticky dressing-like-things removed.

Fuck, my hands are still shaking. Had to drive home in icy conditions, with Pacific Rim soundtrack playing literally as loud as I could handle it and gods anything is better than thinking/remembering/feeling that again. At least it's a short drive. Seatbelt pulling a little tight right across the area is good, I can feel there's nothing there.

Amazing what a messed up machine the brain is. I had cancer when I was 14. I'm 32. I've spent more of my life AFTER the fact than before it. Stupid fucking triggers and stupid fucking flashbacks. Ima having some comfort food, and playing either WoW or my ridiculous loot pinata game or possibly write some p0rn for the latter. Fuck this.
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